This is an article I will probably never share, but it is here if anyone stumbles upon it. I imagine these topics are far too sensitive and taboo to discuss openly, but as Charles Bukowski once said, a writer “must either get it down on paper or jump off a bridge.” While I certainly don’t feel a need to jump off a bridge if I cannot write something, it is nevertheless a tremendous relief to get it down on paper—transferring it from something that can be lost in my mind and forever unexpressed to permanent form.

But not only am I writing this as a relief for myself but as an encouragement to others, as I have encountered many other women who feel the same and have experienced the same social disdain that I will discuss, and it can be lonely and confusing.

So I am writing this to encourage those who will resonate with what I will say—you are not alone, and what you are doing is actually right and good and should be sustained.

I have titled this “The War on Beauty,” but I want to clarify that I am not primarily speaking of outward physical beauty, though that can certainly be an aspect of this discussion. But most prominently the beauty I refer to here is that of virtue and true goodness.

There is an undeniable war against goodness and beauty in the world today, and it has taken me a while to pinpoint this reality pertaining to negative encounters in my personal life, but it is clear as day to me now.

Throughout history there has been a war between good and evil, but for the majority of history goodness was still sought after, admired, and acknowledged as such. Though sinful humans always struggled with sin, they acknowledged vice, fought against it, and valued what was honorable. In short, goodness and beauty were recognized as such.

The tragedy that I find now is that goodness and beauty have become despised, and if you promote these things, you are hated. This wouldn’t be such an odd offense if it were limited to secular society, but the other tragedy is that I encounter this often in the Christian world.

Over the past several years I have met people—primarily women—who, upon our initial engagement I was very friendly, loving, and genuinely kind toward. Yet I started to notice a pattern with a certain type of people that, although I was nothing but loving toward them—and even without them knowing any personal views of mine other than the obvious (i.e. I obviously love children being that I have four, etc.), they would slowly but surely turn bitter against me to the point of rudeness. In each instance I would be very confused, wondering to myself what I said or did to offend them. But after this happened several times, I noticed a pattern of the type of people who turned against me (as I assure you it is not all women—I have many beautiful friends who are not this way)—they are all women with poor character.

The people who decide to not like me are always the type who love to complain, lack gratitude, lack joy, love to gossip, and promote all that is opposite to goodness and beauty. This was very comforting to me, because I realized that if the people who don’t like me are the people who have no qualities that I admire, while the people who I do admire and look up to always reciprocate friendship to me, then I must be doing something right.

Now for those who know me well, I cannot deny that I have very strong social and moral stances. I can understand (sort of), if once someone gets to know me well and they have very opposite views than I hold, that they would then decide we probably won’t make the best of friends (though we can always be kind toward one another, one would think?). But as I mentioned, I would notice (certain) people would turn against me without knowing much about me at all, apart from outward observation. And simply from outward observation they would turn bitter. And here are the observations I learned what (poor-character) people despise—happiness, holiness, and gratitude. Pretty sad, right—that these qualities turn people off? Now before anyone tells me to get off my high horse in claiming that I am holy, let me assure you, I AM NOT. What I mean by holiness is the love and pursuit of holiness. So please, don’t call me a Pharisee. I know my sinfulness better than anyone, and it is why I am so grateful to God for saving me. It is also why I long for holiness, because I know very well the destructiveness of sin, and I want no part of it. I want what God is, and He is holy.

So when people meet me, this is what they see—I am joyful (because of Christ), I am grateful (because of Christ), I love deeply (because of Christ), I don’t like to complain, I love my children, and I love being a wife and mother. None of these things should be offensive, but oh how they offend! Looking back, I can recall the first conversations I’ve had with the women with whom friendship with me turned out not to be an option for them. Nearly every single one entailed their complaining about their husbands and/or children (yes, in the very first encounter I ever had with them), and rather than joining in on the complaints, I would shift the perspective or simply listen but not complain along with them.

I see now that that is a deal breaker for women with poor character. We either complain about our husbands or we are not friends (apparently). We either despise motherhood together or we are enemies. Who ever knew respecting your husband and genuinely loving to be around your children would gain you so many enemies? But let me tell you, this is a reality. And let me encourage you to not change your ways because of this. There is a war on goodness and beauty, but many beautiful women still exist who will gravitate to other women who promote virtue.

And what is good and beautiful—to follow Scripture in respecting your husband and lovingly raising your children, or bashing your husband to people you’ve just met and “venting” that your children are suffocating you? I’ve sadly met women at my church who were visiting from other countries and upon meeting them they expressed to me all the flaws and irritations they have with their husbands back home, and the ironic thing is this speaks more to me about their own character than it does about their poor husbands. And what’s more ironic—they end up judging me for speaking highly of my husband while I am pouring grace and charity on them as they disrespect theirs.

In several instances I’d noticed that after engaging with a woman for the first time—in which I thought we had a great encounter—the woman would later avoid me or be overtly unfriendly to me. This is after I took the time to approach these women out of kindness, seeing they were alone and no one else was talking to them. I was so confused each time, because I was genuinely friendly and kind to them, hoping to make them feel valued. But after several instances of a woman turning unfriendly toward me after only one encounter of engagement I realized what it was—I was friendly. I was loving. I was joyful. I wasn’t gossiping or complaining. I wasn’t disgruntled. I was happy and confident, and they hated it. It turned out, these women all ended up portraying unhappy, bitter character that revolted against the joy I conveyed. Pretty gross, right? And it might sound arrogant or inappropriate to address these things, but if I’m going to be shunned anyway—simply for being genuinely loving and happy—then I feel no need to hide this reality. And after talking with many others who I’ve suspected this has happened to, and was right of my suspicions, I cannot deny that this is the sad case. Women—unless having exceptional character—are prone to envy and bitterness towards other women who promote goodness and beauty. And yes, this is particular to women. Men, for the most part, are happy for each other when they see each other flourish. They cheer each other on and rejoice in their friends’ success and happiness. Sure, there may be the occasional male competition. But they are not nasty toward each other. If a woman despises that another is flourishing, that means she would rejoice if ill were to fall upon that person. Can we get any lower than this? I am all for men acting like men and women acting like women, but this is one exception in which I think we can benefit from emulating men—be happy for one another.

(*By his own observations my husband has also assured me that this is the case. “That woman isn’t kind to you? Of course not—you speak well of your husband and children and radiate joy, and she doesn’t. She clearly thrives on discontentment and victimhood. Be happy she doesn’t gravitate to you. It’s a compliment.”)

I am encouraged by my husband’s words, and I am encouraged that those whose character I admire always seem to love me in return, and so I take heart that I am doing something right. A common trait among those who dislike me is they all seem very unhappy, so I am not missing out on any estimable influence.

I also take heart that the most loving and perfect Man who ever lived was also hated by people with poor character. In his book The Holiness of God, R.C. Sproul wrote “Holiness provokes hatred. The greater the holiness, the greater the human hostility toward it. It  seems insane. No man was ever more loving than Jesus Christ. Yet even His love made people angry. His love was a perfect love, a transcendent and holy love, but His very love brought trauma to people. This kind of love is so majestic we can’t stand it.”

While I find this encouraging, what saddens me is that I have been talking about hostility toward love and goodness from those within the church. I have encountered hostility from the world and I do not mind this. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake. But it seems as though it is a growing trend to embrace vice and discourage virtue even in the church.
While hostility (envy?) evolves merely from outward observations, try engaging deeper and you will find out very quick the aversion people have to things that are good and beautiful:

A woman wants to promote having lots of children (an objectively good thing), and it is ridiculed and quickly reminded that is not the gospel. Yet a woman embraces a career path and hear the applause!

A mother wants to encourage other mothers to consider being home with their children rather than outsourcing them for others to raise (an objectively good encouragement…and also biblical), and you can visibly see the anger swell in their faces, with the secular “you do you” objection resounding like a choir. Yet a mother leaves her children in the care of others to hold down her self-fulfilling career and she is praised for “doing it all.” Is she, though?

A wife encourages other wives to respect, honor, and submit to their husbands (an objectively good thing, and also biblical), and the conversation quickly shifts to the husband’s responsibility to not be overbearing, inconsiderate, or aggressive. Yet get a bunch of disgruntled wives together victimizing themselves over the ironically beautiful role God has given them in marriage and you would wonder if these women were even Christian. But it’s all guised under the label of “being real,” as though those who truly love raising lots of children and honoring their husbands are being dishonest.

This spreads to so many areas. It is objectively good to do all things as unto the Lord with a grateful heart. Yet I tell you I have never been so viciously attacked by women for merely encouraging mothers to do laundry with a grateful, rather than complaining, spirit. The insults I’ve received from the topic of laundry are mind-blowing.

Or try covering your head in church (gasp) and see the scornful judgments from women who cannot fathom upholding such a God-honoring symbol of gender roles.

Or try mentioning the value of homeschooling and see how quickly women turn scornful. Even just upon hearing that you homeschool your children, women’s insecurities are made apparent, evidently judging themselves for not attempting such an undeniably difficult yet immeasurably valuable task without you even having to say a word. But insist that husbands need to come home from work and take on the laundry, or that feminists abolished that silly head-covering practice a long time ago—never to be returned to—or that there is no “best” option for educating one’s children, and you are part of the in-crowd.

These are all very real encounters I have had time and time again, and I feel well in boldly addressing them now, because as I’ve relayed, these women don’t like me anyway—whether I write these things or not—or whether I boldly promote good and beautiful things or not. They hate the fact that I simply live them out, even without saying a word—so why conceal my words? Women with good character will only be encouraged by the promotion of godly virtue, so there is no sense in keeping quiet about good things.

Now to a lesser degree (maybe?), I find the war on goodness and beauty seeped into many other areas of life, if not all. One only has to take a glance at modern architecture and see the ugly downfall of beauty in comparison to the honor that used to be given to buildings and landscapes. We can look at how people dress and what has become accepted as the cultural norm of apparel and see how this too has become ugly. One might argue that outward appearance doesn’t matter, but I assure you it does. People used to dress with dignity and respect— not only for themselves, but respect for others and for the world we live in. Now people dress for comfort, wearing torn sweats and baggy pajamas in public without shame and this is our cultural appearance. One might also try to argue that culture is culture and there is nothing wrong with it. We’ve come to accept anything that becomes widespread. But there is such thing as bad culture. Our society so highly esteems diversity and personal preference that we embrace anything we see and fear judging it. But not all cultural norms are good; in fact, most are not.

It is a cultural norm to view pornography. That is not good. It is a cultural norm to place children in daycare. That is not good. It is a cultural norm to dress indecorously in public. That is not good. But try addressing these things and see how quickly you become hated.

All the while if you promote these vices you are patted on the back and assured that God doesn’t care about them. (Perhaps the pornography one He cares about, but the others make no difference). And sure, in the grand scheme of things, how we dress is not the most important issue. But in our culture it’s so far removed from mattering at all that the society we now live in is not one to be respected. Dress, for all of history, highly mattered. What we put on held great significance and spoke volumes about ourselves and others. Arguably, it still speaks volumes about what we believe about ourselves and others; we just pretend that it doesn’t and reap the consequences.

Along with what we put on, there is a war against what is objectively good regarding our bodily health and appearance. Once again, is this also the most important thing in the world? No. Does it matter? Yes. Should taking care of our bodies and physical appearance be promoted? Yes. But what is promoted? Letting yourself go under the guise of “loving yourself as you are.” Being physically fit is objectively good. Working out is objectively good. A woman wanting to look beautiful for her husband is objectively good. But try encouraging these things and you are labeled as judgmental and/or vain. (Or don’t encourage them at all and simply live them out and you’re still hated through eyes of envy.)

My point in all of this is that everything is backwards. Good and beautiful things that should be promoted and praised are admonished and rebuked, while vices are applauded and embraced.

In all of this I am clearly not talking about salvation, so for those ready to label me a legalist, don’t.

I simply acknowledge that there are things worthy of being pursued, things that are objectively good and beautiful, that there are detrimental consequences to pursuing the opposite, that there are people (of poor character) who will inevitably hate you for loving and promoting things that are good and beautiful, and that that is okay.

My final encouragement is for those who resonate with this (and there are many, for I’ve spoken with you), to not hold back what you know to be good. The world promotes far too much wickedness; it needs people who promote goodness, truth, and beauty. Don’t let haters discourage you. Don’t let them turn you bitter or dim your light and joy. As Edmund Burke rightly stated, “The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to stay silent.” To be sure, no one is good. But what is being conveyed is that evil will triumph if the promotion of and fight for good things are silenced. If no one takes courage to live out and teach what is good and true and leads to flourishing (to the glory of God), evil will prevail.

There is a war on goodness and beauty, sadly even in the church. But as a mother of four (and counting?), this is a fight worth engaging in for the sake of my children. I want them to live in a beautiful world, not an ugly one. This is not our home—I know this full well. Nothing will ever be perfect here, and the most valuable thing I can teach my children is to put their hope in Christ. Please do not underestimate how much I understand this. Yet this never allows for us to be careless stewards of what we’ve been given here—with our time, our bodies, our minds, and land. We are to steward all things well, which is nothing less than upholding and conserving all that is good and beautiful. If I am hated for this, so be it. I care more about being faithful to what I know to be true than what bitter women might think of me. Beautiful friends stay. Envious ones leave.

If I am true to God and to what I believe—showing love and grace without compromising my beliefs—my conscience is clear. Hate me if you want for encouraging good things; they hated Him too. And if I am excluded from your group for not being one to sulk and complain and partake in pity parties; for not thriving on gossip or bitterness or man-hating, but choose gratitude and joy and the pursuit of excellence instead, then that’s a group I am happy to not be a part of.

*This was hard to write. It is not the preferred topic nor tone I like to convey. But it’s about time someone says it.

[added later]:

A few things I want to clarify. Recently I was having an intimate conversation with a friend who was confiding in me about a difficulty she was navigating. It made me want to clarify here that when I refer to women venting about their husbands in an off-putting way, I am in no way referring to women who are seriously struggling with their marriage or with any situation in life and need a friend to talk with. I always hope to be (and often find myself to be) a friend who others can confide in with anything. I will be here for you, and I will listen, and I will cry with you and pray with you and seek God’s wisdom and help with you. This is all very different from women who openly and nonchalantly speak poorly of their husbands, as if it is a virtue to do so. I just want to make this clarification, because being a friend who is approachable and a good compassionate listener is very important to me. I don’t mean to come across heartless, as though I brush aside serious issues. That is farthest from the truth. Hopefully the distinction is understood.

Also, I also don’t mean to come across heartless in understanding that people go through very horrific tragedies and sufferings and that there are many times in a person’s life when grief is present. I am very aware of the human condition and that atrocities exist. Show me a video of a baby being aborted and I will nearly go into the black and shut myself in the bathroom crying out to Jesus to come quickly. My heart cannot handle such things. 

My husband comes home from work and often tells me of tragedies that happen to children on a daily basis and this hurts my soul so badly I can feel pain in my body. I am not immune to sorrow. But again, there is a distinction to be made. When I refer to women seemingly being put-off by the fact that I am typically joyful, I am not referring to women who are undergoing some tragedy and are grieving. I am referring to those with beautiful, comfortable lives yet tend to always find something trivial to be upset about. I do not act rudely to them for this, but on the contrary, I find that they act rudely to me for notbeing bitter. This is the trend that I am referring to. 

It is curious to me that Christians are put off by a joyful spirit, when joy is what we are instructed to produce. We pray for joy in all circumstances, then don’t believe it when we see someone joyful. We pray for the rare jewel of Christian contentment, then claim a person is fake if God gives it to them. Mothers pray for patience and gentleness with their children, then claim a mother is lying if she finds daily delight in being around her children. 

The very fact that we are not undergoing some tragedy is enough to live joyfully every day. I often think of mothers who receive news that their child has terminal cancer and how unspeakably painful that would be. When I wake up and all of my children are healthy, I rejoice! Apart from many other such examples, I also think often of what Christ has saved me from (eternal damnation), and this in itself is enough for daily joy. Gratitude produces joy, and gratitude is lacking in resentful spirits.

I hope these are helpful clarifications. After the conversation with my friend I realized what I wrote in this essay could very well be misunderstood. We are to mourn with those who mourn, be a shoulder to lean on and cry on, and be a compassionate and caring friend. But bitterness toward those who are happy is a dishonorable thing. The virtues of excellence, gratitude, joy, and beauty are ridiculed, while vices such as complaining, slandering, victimhood, and discontentment are embraced. We should not feel guilty for having joy. This is my point, and my encouragement is to continue pursuing godly virtue and excellence, and to keep loving those who hate you for it. It can be difficult, but the joy of the Lord is our strength 🤍.