Contrary to popular female opinion, men do need sex. Their physical bodies are not wired like a woman’s. Feminists have shamed men for decades, calling them dogs and other belittling names for their natural desire to have sex. But it’s more than just a desire, it’s an actual need. And this need is not a vice; it is normal, healthy, and good.
For those of us who have faith in God, we know that Scripture isn’t silent on this. We who are married are warned not to withhold sex from one another lest we fall into temptation (1 Corinthians 7:5). This instruction is a good thing, a healthy framework for marriage. Yet as always, modernity claws at Scripture, in this case twisting and framing this instruction as oppression. In the streaming series Death of the Pastor’s Wife, the biblical sexual ethic for spouses to not withhold sex from one another is framed as the reason for abuse in marriage. In the series, Micah Miller (the pastor’s wife) engages in degrading sexual behaviors in order to “keep up with” her husband’s sexual needs. The entire story is pitched against the biblical teaching of not depriving one’s spouse, and aims to degrade a man’s true sexual need, convince the viewer that being sexually generous to our husbands is misogyny and leads to abuse, and that women should hold the keys to all sexual relations (surprise surprise…the empowered woman is in control once again).
This twisted portrayal of biblical sex is tragic, for the mere fact that it is not true. A wife being sexually available for her husband does not automatically equate to abuse. A man physically needing sexual release does not equate to something being wrong with him. Shaming men for their sexual needs (and I have yet to meet a man who denies that sexual release isn’t a need) is wrong and unhealthy. Sex is a gift from God. Our sex drives are a gift from God. Anything from God is a good and beautiful thing, if it is used in its proper context. Marriage is the only proper context for sex, and if Scripture warns us to not deprive one another, then generous sex with our spouse must be a good and beautiful thing, not something to twist or deny.
If we believe that men don’t really need sex, then we will believe that the frequency of sex in marriage isn’t a big deal. But ask any man—it is a big deal. If God himself is warning spouses to not deprive each other sexually, it must be pretty serious.
The ancient Greek comedy Lysistrata, written by Aristophanes in 411 BC, depicts well the frustration that men encounter when sex is withheld from them. In this play, the women of Athens and Sparta withhold all sexual relations from their husbands in order to force them to end the Peloponnesian War. Many of the men are driven mad by their physical desire and absence of relief. Many are tantalized by their wives, being teased and promised intimacy, only to be denied and left frustrated time and time again. The men eventually give in to the women’s request, negotiating an end to the War, in order to have sexual release and thereby a stable mind once more.
The play is a comedy, and of course mocks the male sex drive and frames men as animals who are driven by sexual appetite. While there is truth in the intense sexual desire that men have, the problem is framing the male sex drive in a negative light. Men do need sex, and that’s not bad. This need has been acknowledged and then scorned even before Christ walked the earth, as we see in the dating of Aristophanes’ play. Yet the belittling and shaming of this physical need has only increased with time, not least in our modern feminist age.
Men Are Designed Differently
Our society is constantly pushing the idea that men and women are the same in every way, and this makes it difficult for us to understand that there is a very real biological difference between men and women when it comes to sex. This is not to overlook that some women have very high sex drives, and some men have lower-than-average sex drives. But as a general rule, men physically have higher libido due to their extremely higher levels of testosterone, and their high levels of testosterone brings the intensity of their sexual desire to a level that many women struggle to understand.
It is critical that women do understand this prior to entering marriage. Many men are fooled by their significant other when it comes to sex. Sex is a significant part of what men long for in a relationship. And not just sex, but frequent sex. Sadly, many women present themselves as sexually available—and sexually generous—to their partner prior to getting married. But once married, they close the door. This can be due to a variety of factors—children, busyness, emotional instability, insecurity with body changes, etc. But these are not reasons for turning our husbands away (I am not speaking of being seriously ill or after just having a baby, which are factors out of our control). And the obvious thing is, this is backwards. As women, we should be saving the most sacred part of us for marriage—making sure the one we are giving ourselves to is one who will cherish us for the rest of our lives. After receiving this commitment, it should be our joy to pleasure him generously. And not just the first year. Not just the first five years. But our whole lives.
For most marriages this is not the case, and as with the fictional men in Lysistrata, real men are being left frustrated. 15-20% of married couples are in sexless marriages, while the average American couple has sex only once a week (Elena Donovan Mauer, “Are Sexless Marriages More Common Than We Think?”). While the female mind might think this is completely healthy, the male body insists otherwise. We live in a sex-saturated society with pornographic images being flaunted in front of men everywhere they look. (I doubt there is a man who exists in America who hasn’t been exposed to Sydney Sweeney’s drop dead gorgeous body this past month, whether he wanted to or not.) Men are incredibly visual, and they are hard-wired to be attracted to beautiful women—not least naked beautiful women. We are not doing our marriages any favors by withholding sex from our husbands, all for them to go out into the day to be confronted with endless sexual images, without giving them the outlet of release that they need. This sounds controversial in a society that constantly shames men for their struggle with pornography, but few ever ask how we might be contributing to the struggle. The pornography epidemic is real, it is shallow, but it attests to the very real desire that men have. Looking at its statistics—2.5 million views every 60 seconds, primarily by men (True Ally Team, “How Many People Watch Porn”)— it is undeniable that this is what men struggle with. Rather than solely shaming them, are we asking how we can help them?
I am not giving husbands excuses to cheat, nor to lust after other women. I am simply being real. Our husbands need sex. They were created this way. If we are their wife, we have the honorable and fun duty to be their satisfaction in this area. Feminism has portrayed this honor as something we have the right to withhold as we wish, but that is not what benefits a marriage. And it is not loving to our husbands. Just as women need emotional fulfillment, men need sexual fulfillment. Apart from it being their biological need, one can even say it is their love language. If we love the man we married, let’s love them the way they need.
The Woman In Control
As we’ve seen in Lysistrata, as well as countless other fiction and non-fiction accounts, women have a natural tendency to be controlling in their marriage, and this control often transfers into their sex lives. Wives, far more often than husbands, use sex as a manipulative tool to either reward or punish their spouse. A husband makes a decision that the wife doesn’t like, so she doesn’t have sex with him that night. It sounds childish (because it is), but this type of scenario is far too common and it isn’t helping marriages thrive. Singles shouldn’t be having more sex than married couples. This is a myth that often prevents dating couples from getting married—that sex dries up after marriage. Though many do experience truth in this (perhaps then it is not a myth), it shouldn’t be this way. And it doesn’t have to be. We need to view sex as the beautiful and amazingly fun gift we get to enjoy to connect with and fulfill the needs of our spouses.
“I’m touched out.”
We’ve all heard this all-too-common excuse stated by women who feel drained at the end of the day. This leave-me-alone statement is not blessing any marriages either. Our husbands are drained too, and sex is more often than not what will relax and de-stress them. “I’m touched out” is often stated by over-stimulated mothers or over-worked career women, but don’t be fooled by the myth that children or work make fun sex impossible. I am a stay-at-home mother raising and homeschooling four children. I pour myself into these energetic little lives all day while my husband works—and let me tell you, fun and frequent sex is very possible. It’s not an option for us; it’s a necessity and a blessing.
In the female-exalting society we live in, women’s emotions and needs are often elevated above men’s. In many modern counseling sessions, a husband whose wife is complaining that he wants sex too often while she is tired and “touched out” will be told to be more understanding of his wife, while his own needs are left disregarded. This can’t be healthy for any marriage nor for any man with testosterone. I’m here to say maybe we could be more understanding of our husband’s desires, and of the reality that testosterone creates a very real physical drive that we women generally don’t experience as intensely.
It’s Not Just Physical
Yet with all this talk about biology, let’s not think sex is only about meeting a physical need for them. Most men will gladly and honestly express that sex with their wives is emotionally fulfilling for them as well. Women might need this emotional connection a bit more (so why are we denying ourselves this fulfillment?), but men need it too. We might think the relational/emotional dynamic isn’t important to them, but it is. Studies show that men in sexless marriages are highly susceptible to emotional instability, feelings of isolation and loneliness, low self-esteem, and lack of confidence in all areas of their lives (Laura How, “How Sexless Marriages Hurt Men”). Many women undermine the significant impact that withholding sex has on their husbands because they generally don’t discuss it, but it’s real.
We can think of our husband’s emotional fulfillment through sexual intimacy as our emotional fulfillment through affection and words. No woman can deny she feels a healthy satisfaction when her husband tells her he loves her, along with all the romantic gestures, glances, and touches he gives her throughout the day. Without these things, we would feel unloved and unconnected to our husbands…and probably less confident. This is how men feel with sex. If we are always acting like it’s not important to us, or like it’s just a chore rather than an enjoyment, they feel emotionally disconnected and unloved as well. So next time you’re having sex, don’t think, “He’s only doing this for sexual release.” Yes, that’s a huge part of it. But he’s also receiving a much-needed emotional connection with you that will bond him to you like nothing else will.
We Need It Too!
There is an undeniable connection that takes place between a man and a woman when they have sex (my husband prefers the term “making love,” which I think we would do well to return to). Yes, men need it for physical reasons as well as emotional, but this doesn’t mean that women don’t. Sex in marriage is vital for both the husband and the wife. Making love unites two people to the extent that they become one flesh. This is serious business! If a wife neglects this connection to her husband, she is forfeiting a deep spiritual connection that will unify and intensify the love between them. If she forfeits this, she will very likely seek emotional or even physical connection from someone else. We are quick to call men shallow, but women can be shallow too.
Perhaps, rather than shaming men for their sex drive or insisting that they don’t really need it, we could do our part to increase our own libido by working out, taking care of ourselves, placing greater priority on the health of our marriage, placing importance on our own attractiveness, and making it a point to view our husbands with desire—as our best friend and lover who we want to satisfy.
A Privilege to Embrace
Sex is a beautiful gift God has given to us for having children and having pleasure within marriage—all while revitalizing our marital relationship. Men with thriving sex lives flourish in life. Their masculine energy is reinforced, and they work and approach life with satisfaction and confidence. Husbands who are sexually deprived in their marriage face physical and emotional frustrations and insecurities, which calls for wives to understand how important it is to have frequent sex with our spouse, and how detrimental it is to neglect it.
In a society that normalizes and celebrates becoming one flesh with multiple partners—all while painting marriage as a convent where sex is dead and wives aren’t sexy—let’s reorient the narrative back to what is good, true, and beautiful: sex is a top priority in marriage, and it is meant to be enjoyed between a husband and wife frequently. Rather than denying a man’s very real need for sex, let’s make our men smile with how desired they feel and how satisfied they are with their beautiful, devoted, generous wives at home. Maybe a human life will be conceived, and what is more beautiful than that?
